


she is gone (but she used to be mine)

by thatiranianphantom (FrraFee)



Category: Wynonna Earp - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, I am not sure I know how to be helpful in fanfic, I mean I'm not your mother, If that's your idea of a good time, Okay so this is me word vomiting feels, Or not, Who knows it could be helpful, read if you want, so if you're into that, y'know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-12-20 17:24:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11925648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrraFee/pseuds/thatiranianphantom
Summary: Alice Michelle Earp is born on August 25th, 2017.Her daughter is born in August, delivered by her sister, on a pool table at Shorty’s.(another introspective wynonna piece, post 2x12. Let's call this canon-adjacent)





	1. her chance lies with you now

**Author's Note:**

> Hey fanfiction, we’ve known each other for awhile, right? So we can start showing each other different sides of us?
> 
> Great.
> 
> Well then, this is me, really, really angry. 
> 
> I will spare you, my lovely readers, the full rant, but if you’re interested in hearing the rant, you can head on over to thatiranianphantom.tumblr.com and come cry with me. 
> 
> For now, let’s just say these things:  
> \- I am thinking there will be maybe a two or three shot? Maybe not, but the potential is there.  
> \- Nicole and Dolls are not into any shady shit, there be none of that bullshit here.  
> \- Rosita is not evil. None of that bullshit either.  
> \- We are not bringing in Mama Earp. There is only one Mama Earp in this here fic and she is not Wynonna’s mom. 
> 
> Please remember, I do love this show. I really, genuinely do. I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t. But right now, I am very angry with it, and this trope it chose to perpetuate. 
> 
> I would like to extend a personal thank you to both my housekeeper, who came in after the finale and made me spaghetti bolognaise so I could deal with my feelings by dramatically increasing my caloric intake (I almost kissed her ngl) and The Play That Goes Wrong, for providing actual laughs.

_it’s not simple to say_

 

Alice Michelle Earp is born on August 25th, 2017.

 

Her daughter is born in August, delivered by her sister, on a pool table at Shorty’s.

 

 

_It’s never given me a choice. Not whether I wanted to be the heir, or….a mother._

 

 

She gets ten minutes with her baby before the revenants bang at the door and Waverly takes her away.

 

She is someone’s mother for ten minutes.

 

For ten minutes, she has a daughter.

 

For ten minutes, she held her daughter’s tiny, warm body and felt her tiny breaths against her skin.

 

For ten minutes, she stared into her daughter’s murky blue eyes and this tiny stranger stared back, and she felt whole, for the first time in her life.

 

For ten minutes of her life, she got to forget about being Wynonna Earp, the heir. She was just a mother.

 

And she was right; it always comes down to the curse, because when she actually wanted to be a mother, her daughter was ripped from her.

 

 

_most days, i don’t recognize me_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for three minutes when the emptiness starts.

 

Wynonna heaves herself off the pool table, blows the revenants away, slices through them with a vengeance, blood splattering her already aching body.

 

The emptiness fills her. They are gone in moments and she wishes for more, but if anyone up there were ever listening to her, they wouldn’t have taken her baby away.

 

Now her womb, her arms, her heart are all empty and that, she realizes, that will never go away.

 

 

_I don’t want to._

_I didn’t realize how much I wouldn’t want to._

 

 

 

_they’ve taken more than i gave them_

 

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for nineteen hours and thirty-two minutes when they beat the demon Clootie.

 

It’s a rocket launcher, in the end. Provided by Greta. After hours of fighting, blood pouring from everyone, total exhaustion seeping into their bones, the demon is vanquished.

 

Wynonna finds it almost laughably easy, looking back.

 

They’re safe. They’re alive. He’s gone.

_She’s safe. She’s alive. She’s gone._

 

 

_it’s not easy to know_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for twenty-one hours and seventeen minutes when her milk comes in.

 

She sits on the shower floor for hours, numb, aching from the inside and out, because of course her body would do this. Of course it would torture her mind by trying to nurture someone who isn’t hers to nurture.

 

Wynonna Earp, not a mother, went home unhurt, minus the empty arms and aching heart.

 

Her sister tries to comfort her.

 

She pushes her away and shoves her at Nicole.

 

Waverly allows herself to be pushed, but presses something into Wynonna’s hand before she leaves.

 

She tries not to look, really she does.

 

But she was a mother.

 

 

_i’m not anything like i used to be_

 

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp was seven and a half minutes old when the first picture was taken.

 

She was thirty-six minutes old when the second picture was taken.

 

Wynonna had noticed neither being taken, because there were blue eyes and soft skin and this is all the time she’ll ever get.

But they sit in her hand and she doesn’t move, she doesn’t breathe, she doesn’t, can’t think until a droplet hits the reflection of her daughter ( _her daughter_ )’s face.

She hadn’t even noticed the tears.

 

 

She shoves the pictures into the bottom of her sock drawer and tries to forget.

She’s nobody’s mother now.

 

_i still remember that girl_

 

 

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for thirty-three hours when Doc disappears.

 

He didn’t say anything to her, not that she thought he would.

 

Waverly tells her with no small amount of sheepishness that she had presented him with the same pictures, and he hadn’t said a word, just walked away.

 

Wynonna doesn’t know if he’ll be back.

 

She isn’t sure if she’ll be back.

 

It feels like Alice Michelle Holliday Earp took something from them both, clutched in her tiny hands, and left them with that emptiness that could never be filled.

 

 

Without her, they all break.

 

Nicole and Waverly try, they really try.

 

But the ache is something they don’t understand.

 

Dolls tries, but Wynonna just…can’t. He buys her Chinese food and trains with her and every day her belly returns to normal, and it feels like her own body is betraying her, trying to erase the child it created.

 

He doesn’t understand and she can’t blame him for it.

 

Jeremy brings over Star Trek one night and babbles on the whole night about characters and plotlines and something called “ships” and she’s actually mildly grateful for it, but even smiling takes effort nowadays.

 

And Doc is gone.

 

 

_i did my best, it wasn’t much_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp has been gone for eighty-nine hours when Wynonna has her first drink.

 

First, but not last.

 

And not at Shorty’s.

 

She can’t be there anymore.

 

Maybe she will never be able to again.

 

Her daughter was born there.

 

In there, she was a mother.

 

In there, her daughter was taken.

 

In there, everything shattered.

 

So yes, she has a drink, out on the far end of town where nobody recognizes her.

 

And then two.

 

And then three.

 

And then she’s drunk but the alcohol fills her, and it’s warm inside her and it hasn’t been warm since –

 

So she keeps drinking.

 

And maybe it’s not healthy but she has to pretend to be fine somehow, and wasn’t that how Wynonna Earp always dealt with things?

  
Everyone (including herself) would just see it as a return to form.

 

 

_i couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for 168 hours, nearly a full week, before Wynonna returns to her own house, her own bed, in the dead hours of the morning.

 

She’s slept in patches.

 

She won’t allow her body more rest than that.

 

She won’t allow herself to dream.

 

She won’t allow herself to see her in dreams.

 

She was a mother for ten minutes.

 

But not anymore.

 

 

_i told the truth_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for…

 

She doesn’t know how long.

 

Blissfully, she doesn’t know, because that would require thought, and she left thought behind six or so drinks ago.

 

Waverly picks her up, brings her home, looks at her with that soft, sympathetic look that Wynonna hates.

 

She loves her sister. But her sister was never a mother. Her sister doesn’t know this pain, and if everyone could stop acting like they do, then maybe she could get some rest.

 

And that anger, maybe that anger plus the alcohol is why she finally breaks, just a tiny bit.

 

Waverly sits her down on her bed, gets her some Tylenol and water, and waits.

 

She sighs. “Wynonna….”

 

“No.”

 

“Wynonna, let’s just talk.”

 

She shakes her head. The fuzziness is starting to dissipate and life is becoming real again.

 

She doesn’t want that. She wants to forget.

 

“Don’t wanna.”

 

Waverly takes her hand.

 

“I want to help, Wynonna. Please, talk to me.”

 

She lays her head in her pillow.

 

I just want to be alone, she wants to say. I just want to forget.

 

She mumbles what her addled brain probably meant as a dismissal.

 

“Not tonight, baby girl.”

 

It’s out before she realizes and it’s crazy because it’s not like she hasn’t said the same thing a thousand times before, but now…now it’s different.

 

Now those two tiny words make the world slam into focus and she shuts her eyes to block it out but in her head there’s only a tiny face with fine hair and her father’s eyes.

 

Waverly bolts over to her, wraps her in an embrace.

 

Wynonna allows it. Maybe that’s growth.

 

They stay silent for long moments before Wynonna speaks.

 

Her voice is soft, gentle.

 

“I miss her.”

 

Her sister snuggles into her side.

 

“I know.”

 

 

 

When that night is over, though, she buries the memories, buries the words, locks them inside the deepest part of her that hold the huge, useless, all consuming love for the tiny human that stole her heart.

 

_i didn’t come to fool you_

 

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for two weeks and one day when those around her (and maybe her too) stop trying.

 

Because she feels, but it’s muted, incomplete.

 

Half-formed almost.

 

And it seeps into everything.

 

Waverly hugs her and she feels – something. She feels love for her sister but it’s like it’s…not all there, in some way.

 

Her baby was the only one who heard her heart from the inside, and she took it with her when she left.

 

She is Wynonna Earp, and depending on who you ask, Wynonna Earp either cares too much, or not enough.

 

She cares, she does. But just not…all the way, she supposes.

 

It’s like a piece of her is missing and she knows where it went, but it’s gone forever.

 

 

_and even though it all went wrong_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is two weeks and three days old when it strikes her.

 

She doesn’t know what her daughter looks like.

 

She won’t know what her laugh will sound like, she won’t know her favorite color, her favorite song, what comforts her nightmares.

 

She doesn’t know and she’ll never know because she’s not a mother anymore, Gus is.

 

It feels like a privilege her lifetime has denied her.

 

Why is she even surprised anymore?

 

 

 

_i’ll stand before the Lord of Song_

 

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is sixteen days old when she finds Doc in the woods again.

 

Not the same woods as last time, but the same principle. Middle of the woods, where nobody will find him. It’s getting cold already, but he’s pitched a tent.

 

He has nothing with him.

 

She knows that’s not Doc’s way, but his setup consists of a tiny tent, a threadbare blanket, his hat, and a bottle of whiskey. That’s it. There is nothing personal with him.

 

He’s sitting on a log, staring into the fire, when she pads softly into the clearing.

 

She knows he hears her, knows he knows it’s her, but he doesn’t react.

 

He hates her, she supposes. He deserves to.

 

She broke both of them.

 

The whiskey bottle is clutched tightly in his hand as she sits next to him, close and yet far away.

 

His shoulders are hunched. His eyes are bloodshot. He looks a decade older, and she doesn’t think that’s the paragon of ageing finally catching up.

 

She doesn’t speak.

 

What is there to say?

 

_Did you give our daughter a name?_

 

Doc takes a swig from the bottle, and hands it to her without a word.

 

The whiskey burns her throat on the way down and she’s grateful.

 

It makes her feel a little fuzzy, helps the world blur around the edges a bit.

 

They don’t say anything, just drink. They sit for god knows how long, but after awhile the whiskey is gone, and then there is only silence.

 

And after awhile, Doc looks at her (has he always looked so sad? Probably not. She probably broke him too) and jerks a thumb towards the tent.

 

Even more than a little drunk, she nods and accepts.

 

(In this world, in this time, she doesn’t fight anymore)

 

He curls up on the floor, and she stumbles into the tent, her mind blissfully hazy.

 

She pulls the blanket around her, reaches under Doc’s coat that is serving as his pillow.

 

Her fingers catch on something.

 

Something made of paper, folded in the middle and crumpled.

 

She pulls it out, and her mind grinds to a halt.

 

The edges are fraying, the pictures slightly worn. Like they have been carried, stared at, cried over.

 

She’s not sure how long she stares, but then there is another drop that falls on to Alice Michelle Holliday Earp’s face, and this time, they don’t stop.

 

This time, they progress.

 

This time, they turn to sobs, and then wails, and then a hand slips into hers and his tears match hers and they both know that some things are too broken to ever be fixed.

 

Their daughter, _their daughter._

 

She’s gone.

 

 

 

_with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah_

 

Alice Michelle Holliday Earp is gone for two weeks and six days before they get word of the demon group.

 

Demons, not revenants.

 

They can leave Purgatory.

 

And they’ve found her.

 

_she is gone but she used to be mine_


	2. she'll get what i wanted for her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WYNONNA EARP AND ALICE MICHELLE EARP (YES EARP) DESERVED BETTER.
> 
> I DON’T EVEN CARE IF THIS MAKES SENSE I WANT IT OUT OF MY FACE. 
> 
> Also I may still be slightly angry. 
> 
> I may also have creatively butchered a few lyrics.
> 
> Again, if you want the rant, please mosey over to thatiranianphantom.tumblr.com.
> 
> Thank you for all the comments, lovely readers!

_She just wants a life for her baby_

 

It’s perhaps jumping forward a little to leave it at that.

 

Too much, too soon.

 

So much happened before that.

 

Before that, as Waverly would say, Wynonna goes all Wynonna.

 

 

_She’s on her own_

 

 

She takes off.

 

Didn’t she say she would revert to classic Wynonna?

 

Doc had the right idea, she decides. Just leave.

 

Not leave the Ghost River Triangle forever. There are demons, and she won’t do that to Waverly. She won’t leave her sister with that for good.

 

She’s the goddamned Earp heir, so eventually, they will come for her.

 

 _And everything she loves_.

 

But one day, she just can’t be home anymore, so she leaves.

 

Demons are terrified of them after Bulshar, and now that there’s no baby….

 

No. She refuses to follow that train of thought any longer.

 

So she leaves.

 

She gets on her motorcycle and relishes the ache as she drives higher, higher, higher.

 

 

She knows she is needed, but the longer she roams, the less she wants to go back. She ignores calls, sends Waverly the occasional text ( _i’m good. If another apocalypse comes, beep me)_ , and she walks. She bounces from town to town, bar to bar.

 

It never means anything and she’s grateful.

 

No bonds.

 

That’s how she used to do things, before her heart was stolen from her.

 

Before she sent her one perfect thing away.

 

_Break all the silence and tell the whole world_

 

 

Wynonna spent her thirteenth birthday with Gus and Curtis. They were terrified for her (of her), after Daddy and Willa. She stays with them for six weeks, and they keep her sister.

 

(Now, Gus keeps her daughter.)

 

Her fourteenth birthday, Waverly brings her a cake to the reform school she has been placed in. Her baby sister, squeezing in between these massive teenagers just out of juvie.

 

They eat the cake in the janitor’s closet, and Wynonna gets a minute of happiness in her bleak life.

 

(That’s a theme, isn’t it? Brief pockets of happiness in a life so otherwise filled with pain and sacrifice. She got another one on August 25th, 2017, for 10 minutes).

 

She spends her fifteenth birthday in a foster home, separated from her sister. They won’t let her see the only thing she has left in the world.

  
She locks the panic and the heartbreak and the loneliness inside her and pretends it doesn’t matter.

 

(That particular coping technique sticks.)

 

Her sixteenth birthday is spent in a mental institution.

 

She begs Gus to get her out, once.

 

She’s never felt more like a child than in this cold place with people who look at her like she’s not even human.

 

She fights the urge to cry every minute.

 

 

She wants her sister.

 

  
She wants her mother.

 

 

But the whole town vouches to keep her in and Gus doesn’t protest.

 

After all, what else do you do with a fucked up teenager who killed her father?

 

 

_That they’re tearing me apart with their dirty, selfish hands_

 

 

_Not her, though. Not her. It’ll be better for her._

Sometimes she thinks, if that is the only purpose she gets out of life, to put this tiny, perfect thing out into the world and promise her a life that will be so much better than hers, then maybe, that’s enough.

 

She’ll never have to be scared. She’ll never be alone. She’ll never be an Earp heir.

 

 _That_ is her purpose.

 

_Break this fucking curse. So she never has to._

_It doesn’t hurt unless I walk_

 

When eighteen-year-old Wynonna Earp got out of the mental institution that had been her home for two years, she was angry, so _angry._

She slept with a knife under her pillow for the first three years.

 

She still jumps at sudden noises.

 

Everything in her has been built to protect herself.

 

_I have to go to all the people I’ve hurt and beg their stupid forgiveness._

 

 

Did they ever consider they hurt her first?

 

Did _anyone_ try to help the traumatized girl who saw demons?

 

For so many years, that anger, those experiences, had been the core of who she was. She was almost afraid to let that go, because then who was she?

 

Wynonna Earp, on the outside, was rough and rude, made of steel and fire, a force to be reckoned with.

 

On the inside, she was made of shattered pieces that sliced into her heart every damn day.

 

And who would want that in a mother?

 

 

_Leaving me with nothing at all_

 

 

Distance doesn’t remind her of how to feel.

 

It still feels wrong. It feels incomplete. She feels numb, emotionless.

 

She relishes that feeling.

 

Something other than pain and sacrifice and regret?

 

Maybe the universe was trying to make it up to her.

 

_I don’t feel any pain unless I try to talk_

 

 

Waverly sends her text messages, as does Nicole, even Dolls once texts her simply “we miss you.”

 

She deletes all of them and doesn’t look back.

 

She loves her sister, but Waverly was better off without her.

 

Hadn’t everyone always known that?

 

That’s why she was ostracized, and tiny, sweet Waverly was taken from her.

 

Because she destroys everything she touches.

 

Because Wynonna Earp doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

 

Maybe there was a time that was true, she thinks.

 

And then a baby grew inside her.

 

She had always tried to protect Waverly, and only failed. And then, instead of realizing what a massive fuck-up she was, how she shouldn’t be allowed near anyone, she became responsible for this tiny, perfect, innocent life, and she was lost.

 

Her baby found her.

 

Her baby filled the holes inside her.

 

Wynonna Earp was never supposed to be a mother, but she was.

 

Was.

 

But not anymore.

 

 

_I don’t even cry unless I open my eyes_

 

It’s Jeremy who tells her, and she’s grateful.

 

At least he’s honest.

 

They all know not to mention the baby to her. They figured that out when she started hanging up at the mention.

 

_Don’t look at her like that. She’s fine. It’s better this way._

She’s drunk, she knows that. So drunk she can barely see straight, which is why she answers her phone without looking to see who’s calling.

 

He says it in one breath.

 

_Don’thangupWynonnait’sAliceshemaybeintrouble._

Wynonna has only felt her heart stop a few times in her life. When she put a bullet through her father, then through her sister.

 

Again now, when her daughter is in trouble.

 

 

_As long as you can have your chance_

 

 

They found her.

 

They found her.

 

_They found her they found her they found her._

 

 

_She was supposed to be safe._

 

 

_I know I’d give my life for you_

 

 

They can’t reach Doc, but can she?

 

Maybe not, but she knows where to find him.

 

His tent is still set up. It’s snowing.

 

He’s lost weight.

 

He reeks of alcohol.

 

He’s drunk, but so is she.

 

This is what they are now.

 

_Did you give our daughter a name?_

_Alice Michelle. After your mother, and mine._

 

It’s strange to think that in another world, they would be mom and dad.

 

_I knew what I must do_

 

 

He doesn’t look at her, doesn’t acknowledge her.

 

Actually walks away from her.

 

He refuses to help her, until those five tiny words.

 

“Our daughter is in trouble.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Purgatory hasn’t changed at all. Doc bumps her shoulder with his, his blue eyes red and scared.

 

 

_She was supposed to be safe._

 

_I’ll give you a million things I’ll never own_

 

 

Waverly grabs her in a tight hug as soon as she can.

 

Wynonna shoves her off and ignores the hurt look on her sister’s face as she curls into Nicole.

 

They talk.

 

They strategize and Wynonna feels Doc grow ever more tense against her and leans incrementally closer to him.

 

She knows what he’s thinking.

 

Why are they _talking_? Why are they talking and not moving, not panicking, when her tiny, helpless baby is in trouble and why is nobody _doing_ anything?

 

 

_They think they’ll decide your life_

 

 

It’s another few hours until Nicole finally realizes neither of them are ever going to calm down enough to rationalize a plan.

 

She takes over, and Wynonna is grateful, because that means she can totally ignore it and she and Doc can take off.

 

The team doesn’t even notice until it’s too late, but Wynonna notices as soon as Doc tugs on her hand and inclines his head just slightly.

 

And they go.

 

They turn their phones off.

 

They trust their team, they do. But this is different.

 

This is their daughter.

 

_Nobody’s ever gonna hurt you, love_

 

 

She has imagined going to this very place, making this very phone call, thousands of times over the past few weeks.

 

Sometimes, it’s mere months from now.

 

Sometimes, it’s years.

 

Sometimes, her daughter is a woman, tall, with her father’s eyes, and she scowls at Wynonna and stands firmly behind Gus, ignoring this stranger who calls herself her mother.

 

Sometimes, her daughter is a chubby toddler, and she runs to greet Wynonna with shouts of _mama, mama_ , and truly, those hurt the most.

 

 

There’s an address joining the phone number now.

 

Gus’ voice is reluctant but she barely notices, her ears straining for the sound, any sound of what she gave up.

 

There’s a road that leads to the place their baby is.

 

A house.

 

A door.

 

And Gus at the door.

 

Gus, who has her daughter.

 

 

_No, it will be me_

 

 

She lets them in and Wynonna’s heart is pounding frantically against her chest.

 

She nearly jumps out of her skin when she feels Doc’s fingers lace through hers. His palms are damp and she curls her fingers around his, her anchoring point in the storm of her mind.

 

The house is small, warm and tidy. There is evidence of a baby everywhere. A bouncy thing sits in the corner, a little baby basket in the kitchen, a bag of diapers by the door.

 

A baby is here. Her baby.

 

No, not her baby. Not anymore.

 

Gus looks more tired than she remembers, more guarded.

 

 

_She was supposed to be safe._

 

 

It takes too long, and every part of Wynonna aches, so she _really_ doesn’t have time for bullshit small talk.

 

It barely squeaks out, but her ears pique, searching for a sound, any sound.

 

“Where is she?”

 

 

 

Wynonna doesn’t count herself as the best in reading people, but there is absolute reluctance in Gus’ tone.

 

“She’s…she’s not here.”

 

They are not the words Wynonna was expecting, this seems a fairly safe statement.

 

“What do you mean, she’s not here?”

 

Her stomach falls to her feet.

 

“They haven’t – “

 

Gus’ lips twist in what is almost a guilty expression.

 

“No. No, Wynonna, she’s safe. But she’s…not here. I sent Sarah away.”

 

She’s not here. But here is where she was supposed to be. Sometimes, her only comfort was that her baby was here, where they couldn’t find her.

 

Where she would be loved.

 

 

_Now, my brave girl_

 

And then the name.

 

Sarah.

 

That’s a perfectly nice name. An ordinary name.

 

But her daughter is not ordinary.

 

And her name…. her name was the only influence Wynonna will ever have, the only gift she can ever give her.

 

If she can’t have her last name, at least her little Alice Michelle would know where she came from.

 

 

_Our long wait has ended_

 

 

So Wynonna doesn’t understand.

 

“I told you we were coming, why isn’t…is it because of the demons?”

 

Gus shakes her head, her expression hardening slightly.

 

“No.”

 

“Then…”

 

“It’s because of you.”

 

She should have been expecting _those_ words. They are a permutation of the same words she has heard her entire life.

 

_I love you, Wynonna. But you’re as broken as they come._

_I love you, Wynonna. But._

_I love you but._

_I’ll give you a million things I’ll never own_

 

“Me?”

 

Gus nods, presses the words out in a rush.

 

“God, Wynonna, you may not understand now, but I had to protect her. I had to get Sarah out, I had to protect her. You said you were coming, and I only had a few hours but Sarah had to get out…”

 

Suddenly, the words click in her mind.

 

Wynonna Earp is an idiot. An idiot who should have known.

 

“….protect her from me?”

 

She doesn’t even need the confirming nod.

 

So it was true. She was not the only one who thought she was toxic for her daughter.

 

“You were…you were keeping her from me.”

 

It’s more of a statement then a question, and it is answered by a slight nod.

 

“Why?”

 

She doesn’t want the answer. Don’t tell her.

 

“Wynonna,” Gus breathes, as if she doesn’t know, as if the words coming aren’t the same words that have been flung at her all her life.

 

“You burned down your classroom. You fought everyone you could touch. You were in a mental institution at sixteen. You got pregnant by a man you barely knew and you gave away your child.”

 

“I gave her away to save her!” The words come out with ferocity, and it almost sounds like Wynonna is defending herself.

 

 _First time for everything_ , her mind mocks.

 

Gus shakes her head.

 

“And you didn’t. They still found her.”

 

 

_/They found her._

_Always coming for me._

_And everything I love._

_You’re the coolest thing I ever did._

_Do you think they made it?_

_Alice Michelle. After your mother, and mine._

_We’re going to break this fucking curse. So she never has to. /_

_I won’t break my promise to my child_

 

 

Wynonna Earp is a sister.

 

She is a daughter.

 

She is a friend.

 

She is a leader.

 

She is the goddamned Earp heir.

 

She’s loved.

 

She’s been loved.

 

And if Wynonna Earp does one thing perfectly, if there is one single thing she does, she protects the people she loves.

 

And Wynonna Earp is a mother.

 

Wynonna Earp is the mother of Alice Michelle Earp, and she’s gone, but she’s still here, because everything Wynonna feels, everything she is and does, is for her baby, her daughter, her one perfect thing.

 

 

_Don’t be sad, though I’m far away, I’ll be watching you_

 

 

And when she unhooks the gun that holds her family’s story from her boot, she feels no guilt, only that stupid, all consuming love breaking out of the tiny box she shoved into, the love that surrounds her baby, her Alice.

 

“Tell me where she is.” A statement. Not a question.

 

It’s met with a shake of the head, and the fear and love and all the other things that Wynonna feels every minute of every day flood through her veins like blood.

 

“Please see, Wynonna. Please try and see what’s best for Sarah.”

 

She presses Peacemaker into Gus.

 

“ _Alice_ ,” she growls. “Alice Michelle _Earp_.”

 

Gus is not a revenant; she knows this, still the barrel of the gun digs into her palm as she presses it ever tighter against her aunt.

 

 

“ _Where is my baby?”_

 

 

 

 

_nobody matters but you_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus points if you spot the buffy reference


	3. we'll bleed and fight for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She made a promise to her daughter, a promise that she would always be safe. She would always be protected. She would always be loved. And that promise, Wynonna Earp will die to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. I FINISHED IT. 
> 
> IT’S FINALLY DONE. 
> 
> ALSO I ACCIDENTALLY PRINTED THIS OUT AT WORK. YOUR HUMBLE AUTHOR IS AN IDIOT. 
> 
> To be honest, I really lost inspiration for this whole situation. This whole plotline just makes little sense to me and seeing them get so much praise for this just….irks at me. 
> 
> So this require a bit of suspension of disbelief, but just with it. I hope you enjoy the conclusion! 
> 
> Also I am aware I am reusing lyrics. Believe me, I SO tried to not use lyrics at all but apparently it’s instinctual now. I need a 12 step program.

_Don’t be sad, though I’m far away_

_I’ll be watching you_

 

 

 

She forces information out of Gus.

 

No, she wouldn’t call it torturing.

 

But if it were, well…she had to do what she had to do. She doesn’t regret it, not for one moment.

 

Gus is alive, but Alice may not be so lucky if she can’t find her.

 

She made a promise to her daughter, a promise that she would always be safe. She would always be protected. She would always be loved. And that promise, Wynonna Earp will die to keep.

 

Gus says Alice was sent with a man, one who claimed he knew of the Earp family legacy. He had moved to town recently, spoken to Gus a few times. He said he knew of the Earp family legacy. He had shown Gus a bunker, a safe house. She could always take the baby here if she needed a safe place, he had said.

 

When Gus had heard Wynonna coming, she had flashed back to an entire childhood of demons and magic and revenants.

 

“I left that life, Wynonna,” she gasped. “Alice left that life. That was _you_. That wasn’t us. So when I heard that you were coming back for her, I knew I had to get her out of her. So she didn’t grow up like that. So she didn’t turn out…”

 

“Like me?”

 

Gus says nothing, but silence is its own answer, and it makes Wynonna angrier.

 

“Seems to me you could do a hell of a lot worse than turning out like the woman who gives her life to keeping the world safe,” Doc spits, and she doesn’t believe it, but she is so grateful to him. Nice to know someone thinks she’s capable of more than chaos and death.

 

Belied by his faith in her, she turns back to Gus.

 

“You believed him? You don’t even know the guy, but he shows you an underground paranoia chamber and you think it’s a stellar idea to hand my helpless baby off to him?”

 

“I had no time! I was desperate, because I knew you wouldn’t understand. Wynonna, please try to think of…”

 

“Shut up.” Rage consumes her, fills her, is all she sees.

 

“Where is it? Where did he take her?”

 

“He was going to get Alice out, Wynonna. And there were the demons...I just needed her out for a little while. You gave her to me to keep her safe.”

 

“And she’s not safe,” Wynonna hisses.

 

“Because of the damn curse! The curse follows you everywhere, Wynonna! And I tried, I tried so hard to save Waverly, but you…you brought her into this too.”

 

“Waverly made her choice.” Wynonna wonders if Gus is purposely trying to make her feel guilty.

 

“This is about Alice. I sent her to you because I thought you’d protect her. That you’d remind her of who she was. Who we are.”

 

Gus shakes her head and sighs. As if Wynonna is still sixteen years old, begging for one more chance, promising she’ll do it right this time.

 

“You sent her to me to keep her _alive_ , Wynonna. You sent her to me to love.”

 

“ _She is mine to love too,”_ because she is, she _is_ , she knows this because the love Wynonna feels for her child is like nothing else she has ever known, like nothing she could put into words. It’s that huge, all consuming love that fills her, drives her, sustains her.

 

She was never supposed to be a mother, but she was. She is.

 

And her baby is in danger. And a mother protects her baby.

 

Well, she may have failed at that, but she will _not_ fail to save her child.

 

She will tear this whole goddamn world apart until her baby is safe in her arms again. And after that?

 

After that they’re going to break this fucking curse, so her innocent one never has to.

 

 

_I’ll give you a million things I’ll never own_

_I’ll give you a world to conquer when you’re grown_

 

 

Not for the first time, Wynonna is grateful to be here with Doc.

 

His tracking skills haven’t lost their virility, that’s for damn sure.

 

(It’s still kinda hot.)

 

(Alright, it’s fucking hot but she’s tabling that for now.)

 

 

_They think they’ll decide your life_

_No, it will be me_

 

 

 

The Paranoia Bunker is shockingly easy to track.

 

They are decidedly running, but it’s not fast enough.

 

They’re already gone.

 

He had a five-hour head start on them, at least.

 

Doc collapses on the bed, head in hands.

 

Neither of them wants to say it.

 

She could be dead.

 

Doc gives a trembling sigh, and she still doesn’t understand why he doesn’t hate her.

 

“Wynonna – “

 

“We’re _gonna_ find her, Doc.”

 

She lays her hand on top of his. His fingers curl around hers.

 

He still cares. She doesn’t know how or why, but she clings to it.

 

And that tiny voice at the back of her head promises her daughter, the last bit of hope Wynonna Earp possesses pictures her baby in her head and wraps her in all the love she feels.

 

“We’re gonna find you, baby. You just hang on.”

 

 

_I won’t break my promise to my child_

 

 

It hits her like a fucking nuke.

 

The person who has her baby, he knows her. He had to. Can’t be a giant coincidence that he happens to move near Gus and he happens to be available to take the most sought after baby in the universe.

 

No, he knows who she is.

 

He knows her.

 

And she knows where he took her.

 

 

_She is a part of me_

 

 

Where it started, it will end. It’s all that gets her through the bullet-pockmarked doors of Shorty’s, Doc on her tail.

 

She doesn’t look at the pool table where her daughter was born.

 

He’s there, his back to her. She knew he would be.

 

She sees him tense, and then she hears something else.

 

A little noise.

 

A coo.

 

Her baby is here. The baby she got to be a mother to for ten minutes. The one who grew inside her.

 

The one she will protect, she goddamn _will_ protect.

 

She raises Peacemaker and even when his back is turned, she can practically see him smile.

 

“It took you long enough, Ms. Earp.”

 

And of course she knows that voice, of _course_ , but that doesn’t meet her heart doesn’t stop.

 

“Miss Sarah and I have been getting to know each other.”

 

“If you touched one hair on her head, you piece of shit, I swear to god…”

 

She sees him sling the baby into one arm. He’s taunting her. Her baby is so close.

 

And then he turns and the world stops.

 

 

_No one can stop what I must do_

 

 

She looks, she _has_ to.

 

She sees her baby’s face for the first time in weeks, and _fuck_ , she’s beautiful.

 

And then she sees his face.

 

And damn, if it doesn’t almost end there.

 

 

_You didn’t ask me to be born_

 

 

He has her baby.

 

_We hunt evil shit, we kill evil shit._

This should be simple.

 

But those eyes….she knows those eyes. Those eyes take her back to her childhood. Those eyes, she remembers. She remembers being a scared, traumatized sixteen year old, when those eyes stared down at her, full of judgment, full of cruelty.

 

Those eyes haunt her nightmares.

 

She would never forget those eyes.

 

Those eyes belong to someone she knew.

 

Someone who was supposed to be dead.

 

“Cryderman?” she breathes.

 

He smiles at her, and her heart drops.

 

Fear turns in the pit of her stomach and she is not Wynonna Earp anymore.

 

She is sixteen, scared and alone, so very alone.

 

 

_Why should you learn of war or pain?_

 

 

“Why,” is the only word that forces its way out.

 

He smiles.

 

“ _Why_ ’? Really, Wynonna?”

 

She swallows hard.

 

She can do this. Her baby is in danger.

 

She’s a mother.

 

But she searches so hard for the old Wynonna, needs her. Needs to find who she is and hold onto it. The Wynonna she was before she was a mother.

 

“How many of my people have you killed, Wynonna?”

 

“Shit, not so good at math right now. Not enough, though.”

 

 _There_. _That’s better. Mask slipping back into place._

 

“Thirty-six. Myself included.”

 

This seems to anger him. He squeezes Alice tighter, and she squeaks and begins to whimper. Wynonna clenches her fists, wanting so much to reach out to her.

 

“All of your childhood, I try to put you where you belong. I try to get rid of you damn Earps, but you came back. You came back, and you ruined _everything_.”

 

“Gotta stick to my strengths.”

 

_Self-deprecation. An essential part of the mask._

He barely notices the interruption, too lost in his why-I’m-evil monologue.

 

“I put you in that asylum. I thought that’d be enough. I thought you would just _leave_. But you come back, and then….then you send me to hell.”

 

“Not a nice trip?”

 

“ _I was tortured,_ ” he snarls, and digs his nails into her baby, who promptly begins to wail.

 

Doc starts forward, but she grabs his arm, her heart in a vice, her baby hurt.

 

“They tortured me, every damn day, because of _you!_ All of this, everything that went wrong, is because of you! So every minute of every day where you sent me, I swore I’d make you pay. And as soon as you died, I had my chance.”

 

His expression lifts at this, as Alice wails in his arms.

 

“But your sister, your friends, they’re too hard to access. They can defend themselves. They would know I’d be coming. So when I heard about this one,” he runs a finger down Alice’s cheek and she shudders.

 

“Well, it was almost too good to be true. I was there, that day. When you gave her away. I saw you cry,” he giggles, and Doc starts forward again, but she tightens her grip on his arm.

 

“It was glorious. And then, then I knew my target. I knew what I had to do.”

 

“Dress up in a bad wig and fool an old lady?”

 

He chuckles, he actually chuckles.

 

“I had to get you here. I had to find your weakness and get you here. And this little lady, she was _such_ an easy weakness. So now,” he holds the baby in one arm, and in the other, produces a knife.

 

Wynonna hadn’t known it possible to be more afraid, but when the knife was held to her daughter, her heart ceased to function.

 

“You wouldn’t.”

 

He laughs. “That denial will make it all the more pleasant to watch your face while your daughter’s blood spills.”

 

That’s when Doc moves. She didn’t really feel like she could stop him this time. He lunges at Cryderman, but two Revenants appear beside him and clench onto Doc’s arms. Another grabs him from behind.

 

He grins, a dark, chilling grin. “And I’m not the only one who wants the heir gone.”

 

 

_You who I cradled in my arms_

 

 

The next few moments probably happened, she realizes, looking back.

 

In hindsight, it probably only _feels_ like a dream.

 

But the bullet that passes through Doc’s chest, that’s so very real.

 

Her scream, that was real too.

 

Being surrounded in seconds by revenants, that was real, too.

 

The first punch, that happened, the bruise that lingers weeks later proves it.

 

But the next few punches and kicks after that, that’s a blur.

 

The blood, the shouts, her baby’s screams, they all kind of blend together.

 

The thoughts in her head swirl.

 

Her baby is screaming.

 

Her baby is in pain.

 

She has to get to her baby.

 

If she dies, she dies, but her baby has to get out.

 

Doc’s gone.

 

Doc may be dead.

 

Her fingers reach for Peacemaker, but there’s too much, everywhere.

 

A revenant tries to grab it, and she registers his scream and the smell of burnt flesh, and the clatter as he drops it.

 

Her eyes struggle open, and Shorty’s is a blur, but Peacemaker glows. She can see the orange light, as if it’s beckoning her.

 

Every part of her hurts, but she reaches.

 

Her baby wails.

 

She’s a mother.

 

She will die to protect her baby, because she protects those she loves, and Alice Michelle Earp, three weeks and six days old, is who she loves, more than anyone or anything in the whole damn world.

 

 

_To make sure you’re not hurt again_

_I swear I’d give my life for you_

 

 

Peacemaker is cool to the touch, despite the earlier searing.

 

She blows three revenants away on the first try.

 

But two more grab her, and toss her into the pool table.

 

On the place she gave life, she will die, alone.

  
It’s almost profound, but entirely appropriate, because Wynonna Earp just gets people killed and she is always, _always_ alone.

 

 

_I did my best, it wasn’t much_

 

 

That’s probably why it barely feels real when she hears a door slam, and a warm hand slides into hers.

 

She’s afraid to look, but she does.

 

It’s her.

 

There is her Waverly, her sweet baby girl.

 

She smiles at Wynonna and yes, Wynonna is not alone.

  
From beside her, Nicole cocks her gun and lays her other hand on top of the sisters’ for a moment.

 

“We’re here, Earp,” she smiles. “Let’s get rid of this bastard for good.”

 

 

_Then she’ll get what I wanted for her_

 

_Her family._

 

They’re here.

 

Waverly helps her stand, and she is Wynonna Earp, whiskey soaked and reckless. Wynonna Earp brushes herself off and points her gun.

 

Cryderman laughs, and she tenses until she feels Waverly squeezing her hand.

 

“Three little girls,” he spits. “And I am to view this as a challenge?”

 

She feels a clap on the shoulder, and she hears Dolls’ voice even before she sees his gun, raised beside Nicole’s.

 

“This a private party, or can anyone join?”

 

And then Rosita is there too. They stand beside her, her family. Even Jeremy stands beside Dolls, a gun in his trembling hand.

 

“Hey,” a voice rasps from behind them. “Can’t be having no gunfight without me.”

 

Wynonna nearly bursts into tears as Doc Holliday stands beside her, bloodied from too many places to count, but _alive_.

 

 

_As long as you can have your chance_

 

 

The ensuing battle is long, and bloody. Just the way she likes ‘em.

 

And her family stands by her.

 

And they fucking _win._

 

With each revenant they blast away, Cryderman is more and more alone, and Wynonna is less and less alone.

 

Guns blare until he is the last one. The last one standing.

 

Wynonna looks at Doc. Doc smirks, and aims at Cryderman’s knee, sending him to the floor with a scream.

 

  _We'll make it right for you_

 

 

And then it’s time, it’s _finally_ time.

Her daughter’s body is warm as her tiny legs flail.

 

Her tiny body fits perfectly into her arm, and she lowers her lips to rest on the wisps of hair.

 

Alice’s flailing limbs calm as she is pressed against her mother, and Wynonna whispers the only thing she knows in the world against her child’s skin.

 

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

_And you should know, it’s love that brought you here_

 

 

Cryderman cowers away from her as she approaches him.

 

“Wynonna, please,” he begs as she unsheathes Peacemaker.

 

“No, it’s my turn now, you fucking shit ticket. Look at me,” she seizes his pathetic, bloody face.

 

“I am not that terrified sixteen year old girl anymore, she’s gone. You can’t fuck with her anymore. And remember this, _never_ forget this.”

 

She digs her fingernails into the bunny sleeper her daughter is wrapped in, feels her baby’s warm breath on her neck.

 

A bullet slides into Peacemaker’s chamber.

 

“ _I am the goddamn Earp heir, the last one ever.”_

He whimpers. The undead son of a bitch actually whimpers as she places the gun against his head.

 

“And when you look back on this, in the few seconds it’ll take you to get sucked back to hell, I think you’ll find the cardinal mistake was touching my child.”

 

 _There is so much more inside me now_  

 

 

Alice Michelle Earp is four weeks old when she first wakes Wynonna up, her tiny face scrunched into a wail.

 

Blinking away the exhaustion, Wynonna finds her blankets have fallen off. Gathering the soft fabric and wrapping it around her baby, she holds Alice to her chest, stroking the downy strands of hair.

 

“It’s okay, baby. Everything’s okay,” she soothes.

 

Alice’s cries abate as Wynonna rocks her. From downstairs, she hears a tiny explosion and Jeremy’s cries, followed by the laughter of Nicole and Waverly. Dolls’ unmistakable voice, shouting “Jeremy!” and Doc’s “thunderation!” follow in quick succession, and Wynonna laughs.

 

Casting her eyes down again, she presses a kiss to her daughter’s hair.

 

“It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s here.”

 

Alice looks up at her, and she smiles.

 

“Mommy’s here. Everything’s okay now.”

 

 

 _We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you_ __  
If we lay a strong enough foundation  
We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you  
And you’ll blow us all away

**Author's Note:**

> Actually, writing that was incredibly therapeutic.


End file.
